Bebe Taian: Depression is hard.

September 25, 2013

Depression is hard.

Mostly getting over burnout, I think. But... depression is hard. Bleh. It's just this constant guessing of whether or not anything is worth trying for, if I'm really good enough at doing basic things to be worth employing, if I can handle keeping a job once I get a better one, etc. etc. Every little tiny mistake seems like a tidal wave of bad news, and one big success never seems like it's good enough, or the joy is short-lived because something else horrible will happen.

I've posted on Tumblr a few times about my own projects, not just reblogging everyone else's photos. I've kept busy these past months. I'm converting a mofuku obi, slowly but surely. I've worked at least 25 hours on it so far, hand-stitching everything, with only an ironing board for a workspace. I took apart and re-sewed part of my black sha kimono with the damages to make it into a katsugi.

The fabric on the right will become the other side of the mofuku obi, to make a chuya obi. The green side will have black borders, made by using as much of the edges of the black obi as possible. Currently, the hardest part is tacking the interfacing back in. It has to be done at intervals 6" apart or so or else it will shift inside the obi while wearing it, giving it a distorted and ugly look. There is a panel of fabric I will need to cut where the taiko side was folded up. I may keep it for another project.

I have plans for many more hand-made kimono items. I will finally finish a padded datejime that I started as a scarf years ago. But really, it's perfect for cold weather. I have many pairs of worn-out, stained pants that could be given new life by chopping them down and dyeing them with turmeric and coffee, and embroider the pieces with gold after sewing them together. I've started keeping a section of my agenda for doodles like this...

I've sold off some items and traded others for some new things! That was exciting. I haven't gotten to wear everything yet (actually, I've only gotten to wear one new outfit so far...) but I hope to do another this weekend. I'm trying to remain in high spirits, but right now, I feel like there's nothing I can do. They say the heart will follow the hand...

I might wear this kimono this weekend. It's a bit too short, but I might make that work for me. It's a very bright kimono! Maybe it'll make me feel bright, too. I'll break out my momiji-woven obiage in royal blue, or maybe my shibori dark purple one. For the obi... the plain yellow-tan? Or the pink/teal one? The pink/teal is pretty busy in pattern. Would they compete? Or should I go with the plain solid-colour one?

Things like this... it doesn't make the depression go away... but it helps a little, I guess. I don't know. I used to have so many ideas, and more talent, and it's like the more I try to get something right, the more wrong it comes out, when it comes to creative stuff. But I'll keep trying...

Although, my husband says I should try releasing a book based on my sci-fi/horror fear-based dreams. Some of them are pretty cool, I guess. ^_^ So, there's that.

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